Let me first be super honest here…I am a total control freak and I love and want to be with my kids more than anything.
As you know by reading my posts (which I know you have read them all), I have girl/boy twins. While they were growing up, their father worked and traveled a lot! And I mean a lot! It was the three of us all week and we formed a very close bond. But, I always knew the importance of the bond between my husband and the twins, especially the father daughter bond.
Our time together as a family is precious. Life is ever so busy and time is taken up with so much “stuff”. I held my three so close. I worked hard to make sure every moment we had together was spent together. But, I’ve since learned it was a huge mistake. I allowed my need to get in the way of my children’s relationship with their father, my husband.
Now, don’t get me wrong, they have always had an excellent relationship with him, better than most people I know. But recently, I became comfortable enough with myself to not jump on a plane with my husband to go see the twins. Comfortable enough with myself stepping back to allow, and I truly mean allow, him to talk to them and not me, when they needed to talk.
Over the past two years, I have traveled more on my own; sometimes out of the country, which forced the twins to call their dad to talk. After a journey that took me around the world and my daughter made a major life decision, I realized I did not need to be a part of every decision. The bigger issue was my WANTING to be a part of it. It was then that I realized I needed to do it not just for them, but also for me. I needed to let the father and daughter bond unfold.
So, now often I say to them, “Hey, I’m traveling, can you text daddy”? Then, I had to make a really hard decision…Do I jump on a flight with my husband to go see our daughter or take a work trip to the Dominican Republic? Many people would say easy decision, but it was not for me at all…
You see, she just moved into her first apartment in New York City without roommates. The apartment was not all put together and I had not been there since we singed the lease and she moved. The control freak mother in me wanted to be there. How could my husband have this moment and not me?
Then, I remembered back to this picture. This moment in time when the two of us went to see her and there was this amazing precious father daughter moment that I knew then was my fault I had not seen before. Although I was taking the picture, I was not part of this picture. And that was just fine with me. I needed to make sure I made more of these moments happen.
So, I called and told the PR rep to book my ticket. I was headed to the beach…
Well, the time came and I flew out of the country and my husband flew to NYC to spend the weekend one-on-one with our girl. It was a very hard decision for me not to be in NYC. I know, crazy for most people, but it was work, a new location, and an amazing country. This control freak mother wanted to be in NYC and thank goodness for work or I would have been there, hands down.
It turned out to be the best decision! The minute I got wifi and the email from my husband, I saw the two of them were truly bonding. Separately, they both sent me text messages about how happy they were.
Beyond that, they were playing jokes on me together. Then came the group text. The four of us have one text stream we share. My daughter sent a text message and my husband’s reply was “Pam looks nice”. It took me a long time to realize she had a new plant and the two of them had bonded over “Pam”. Although totally jealous, I was so happy.
It took way too long and I am now kicking myself for not stepping back sooner. I didn’t step back and foster this earlier solely because of my needs. But, I am not looking back. I am looking forward to their relationship growing even more.
Hey, moms. I learned it is okay to step back in your role as mom. It will make you stronger and you can’t do it all. You can’t not create that father daughter bond. Step out of the way, let them do it, and watch this amazing relationship of a father and daughter bond unfold!